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In the episode “The Merv Griffin Show,” George is driving in his car with his girlfriend and runs over a pigeon (or was it more than one?). When back in Jerry’s company they have a discussion about humans having a “deal” with Pigeons… This deal consists of Pigeons moving out of your way and you looking the other way during “statue defication.” This is very funny but it is definitely flawed.
Number one. Most birds, when approached by a human on foot or by car, seem to wait til the last minute to fly away. You always think you might hit them, but you never do. This is what makes the joke funny. It feels like you must have some kind of deal with them. But this does not work for the pigeon. The pigeon is way too slow for this theory, and they care way less about humans than your average Robin, Cardinal, or Blue Jay. I have walked through huge groups of pigeons just chillin’ on the sidewalk, not even giving a damn, and they sure as hell don’t move out of the way.
Number two. The other end of the deal is flawed as well and this one is rather simple to debunk. Nobody I’ve ever met gives a shit, no pun intended, about seeing a pigeon take a shit. In fact, if I could help it, I would rather never have to see a bird squirt out that which looks like someone dropped a roasted marshmallow from their skewer. It’s disgusting and I don’t need to get anything in return for not looking at it happen.
I bring this up because yesterday while walking to the train, I happened to put my head down at the most perfect of times. I had been about to step on a fully grown, fully flattened, dead pigeon in the middle of the road. Now, I had been thinking to myself since first seeing that episode of Seinfeld that the “deal” was wrong, but I never had the opportunity to be head to head (me in a car, the pigeon on the street) with a pigeon. But seeing a flattened pigeon, and I mean flattened like in a cartoon, in the middle of the road, was finally enough proof for me to come out and get this off my chest.
I would also like to say, as a related side note, that I’ve been able to see squirrels up close a lot more recently than I ever have. They really are adorable animals… And as George states in that same episode, we definitely have no deal with the squirrels. This is evident by the amount of dead ones you see in the roads. But getting to know these squirrels more up close has made that way worse for me… If you don’t already know, I kind of hate when bad things happen to animals, especially when they get hit by cars.
So I would just like to say, that although Seinfeld has said some of the smartest, funniest, and absolutely truthful jokes, and has had the absolute best sitcom on television (maybe that’s an opinion but who cares), he was wrong about this one (or at least whowever wrote that, maybe it was Larry David’s idea, but you get my point… it is false.)
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